The McMaster Model of healthy family communication breaks communication into two broad categories: instrumental and affective. Instrumental communication is designed to get something done, practical communication. "Watch the baby, while I go to the bathroom." Affective communication involves expressions of emotion. "I'll miss you while you are away." The McMaster Model also breaks adult-adult communication into four styles: clear and direct; clear and indirect; masked and direct; and masked and indirect. Clear and direct is like, "I'm angry you forgot my birthday." Clear and indirect is like, "It's disappointing when someone forgets your birthday." Masked and direct is like, "Do you think people take birthdays as seriously as they used to?" Masked and indirect is like, "People don't take birthdays as seriously as they used to." According to this model, clear and direct is the healthiest style of communication.
Inter-adult family communication is further complicated by non-verbal cues, power dynamics, gendered expectations and quality of listening. If two people are both trying to talk about themselves, the conversation can appear to be a sequence of disconnected, alternating monologues, or "talking past each other." Active listening requires some suspension of thinking about what you are going to say next to be able to attend closely to what the other adult family member is saying. Sometimes, a man will be uncomfortable talking about feelings, and he will attempt to shift the conversation into more instrumental talk. Active listening demonstrates respect and good will, and it prevents many misunderstandings.
Anxiety about stressful outcomes to conversations can lead to a chronic pattern of communication reticence by adults. Reticence by children can be a result of being made to feel stupid. Adult reticence can be caused by feeling inadequate; but, more often, it grows out of conflict avoidance. Abusive situations can create extreme anxiety about inter-adult family communication because abusers are often seen as unpredictable. Silent conformity becomes a defense mechanism.
Adult communication doesn't fall out of the sky. Individual communication habits are first formed in families of origin; and communications patterns are transmitted from one generation to the next. Difference in communications patterns and habits from diverse families of origin can create misunderstandings and lead to conflict. This is an area where urban-rural contradictions, ethnic differences, differences in family-of-origin composition and size and gender expectations can disrupt communication between adults in the same family, especially spouses.