When Christine Hammond picked up her first-grade daughter from school one day, she sensed that something was wrong. Her suspicions were confirmed when her daughter cried uncontrollably for 20 minutes while sitting in the car. As a concerned parent of three, Hammond patiently waited for her child to reveal that she did not earn a sticker for the week because she talked out of turn in the classroom.
“Our son, the oldest, attempted to comfort her by telling her that it was OK because he never earned a sticker in all his years of school,” said Hammond, a registered mental health counseling intern and educator.
Her daughter’s crying quickly turned to laughter at her brother’s remark. “No two kids are the same,” Hammond said. “So, just because one is upset, it does not mean the other will be upset over the same issue.”
As a parent, you can easily recognize when your child is angry, hurt or even sleepy from a busy day. Your child, though, is not always able to recognize, absorb and accept his feelings.
Fostering his ability to recognize and understand his emotions can help him succeed in school, make and maintain friendships, and even grow closer to the entire family.
A reprimand at school for excessive talking may seem like a minor setback to adults, but for elementary-age schoolchildren, it can feel like the end of the world. Hammond’s daughter was coping with not only frustration, but also embarrassment, both common stressors for school-aged children.
“Elementary school can be very stressful,” said Dr. Fran Walfish, child psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with Your Child.” Children deal with the pressure of grades, exclusion from cliques or group games, and teasing or bullying on a daily basis.
As a result, your child is often flooded with feelings that she may not be able to identify or feelings that may impact how she views her self-worth.
“If a child experiences teasing, criticism and judgment when he or she fails or even missteps, this can penetrate a young child’s sense of self or self-esteem,” Walfish said. “How a young child and teen are looked at by peers and authority figures can penetrate a person’s evolving identity. That’s why it is so important to teach kids friendly, kind behavior.”
According to Jennifer Little, an educator for more than 40 years, various times of the year will bring significantly different feelings to the forefront for your child.
In September, your child may feel excited to return to a familiar social environment, but by October, the excitement quickly wanes when homework, quizzes and tests begin to challenge and even frustrate children, Little said. By December, emotions are high with anticipation for winter break; yet, by January, a relatively calm month during the school year, your child may feel more grounded and comfortable with the workload. Then, in time for state assessments and a rigorous homework routine, spring break can throw your child off balance once again.
“After spring break, students’ minds are not on academics,” Little said. “Pressure is on students to comply and perform well on these tests, but the pressure often brings out the worst in many because they know they can’t do well or can’t tolerate the pressure.”
The ups and downs from month to month during the school year can take their toll on the entire family. Your child may feel overwhelmed, angry, frustrated and disappointed within a week’s time. These feelings can lead to withdrawal from family and friends or disruptive behavior at both school and home.
It is common for school-aged children to experience disappointment over a poor grade or frustration with a friend, but disruptive behaviors and low self-esteem can indicate a more serious issue.
Dr. Fran Walfish, child psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building A Better Bond with Your Child,” said parents must actively observe any drastic changes in behavior.
Red flags may indicate that it’s time for parents to intervene, especially if your child has always had an outgoing personality and now retreats into a quiet cocoon or, conversely, over-brags to friends and family about accomplishments or possessions.
“Parents should be concerned if their child has retreated to a position of giving up on trying to have friends or finding a place to fit in,” Walfish said. “Also, a child who has sustained repeated criticism, putdowns or mistreatment by his mother, father, teacher or peers is more than likely suffering from self-esteem issues.”
Some children may even experience severe anxiety, panic attacks, tantrums or vomiting when going to school. Changes in eating and sleeping patterns should also raise a red flag for parents.
Bullying is often at the forefront of changes in behavior and mental well-being, Walfish said. “If your child comes home from school and tells you that kids are excluding her, calling her names, or threatening her if she tells, parents should encourage her to self-advocate by saying ‘stop’ and telling a teacher or school official.”
It may be necessary to involve a school counselor or family therapist to provide your child with an outlet to discuss her feelings about school, behaviors or negative thoughts.
Kids carry a lot of feelings that stem from school experiences, and unfortunately, many don’t have the tools to express what they are feeling.
“It is imperative for the parent to continue to identify and verbalize a child’s feelings and emotions,” said Barbara Neitlich, a California-based psychotherapist. “Helping your children to identify and work through their feelings will enable them to increase their own ability to connect with their emotions and build stronger and more meaningful relationships with family and friends.”
Neitlich recommends verbally expressing your observations to your child. For example, if a child seems sad and frustrated, a parent should say: “I see you are feeling sad and frustrated, and I am wondering if it has something to do with what happened with your friend at school.”
Encouraging your child to draw or use feeling flashcards to identify what she is feeling can also help her to recognize what she is experiencing, Neitlich said. This form of expression often sets off triggers, acknowledgements of what promotes certain types of feelings.
“Once you have helped them identify their triggers, it is important to help them to develop coping strategies,” Neitlich said.
For instance, if a child appears to be anxious Sunday evening before a Monday morning test, parents can urge him to begin studying several days before to reduce test anxiety.
Dr. John Duffy, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist, suggests that parents actively model behavior to help children identify their feelings.
“We can talk about similar experiences we have been through, either as a child or more recently as an adult, and talk about the way the circumstances made us feel,” Duffy said.
Duffy said that, even more important, parents need to teach resilience so children learn to navigate the emotional roller coaster of feelings during the school year.
“We need to let our kids know the difference between a challenge and a disaster so that they resist 'catastrophizing' their current circumstances,” Duffy said. “We need to be watchful of our own overly strong reactions, or tempers, as our kids are watching, listening and learning.”
Responding with a "rush and rescue" when your child is navigating feelings of sadness, frustration or disappointment can do more harm than good, according to Laurie Oestreich, a New York-based family therapist.
“If parents overreact and rush in to rescue their children from whatever the situations are that prompt these emotional responses, they will, in effect, rob their child of opportunities to build and strengthen their self-esteem,” Oestreich said. “Self-esteem is not something we can hand our children – the only way to achieve it is to work through the struggles of life and emerge intact on the other side.”